Scary Fridge Day

Ah! Scary Fridge Day! Scary Fridge Day is the day I decide to clean out the fridge, pitch what I can’t identify, clean out the tupperware, and decide if I ever will use all those half full salad dressing containers. I would say it was the worst day of the week, but let’s be honest, I don’t clean my fridge out once a week, and I would say it’s the worst day of the month, but I don’t even do it that often (Sorry, Mum!!). Scary Fridge day is decided by how long it takes me to become fed up with pushing stuff around to make room for more diet pop, or until the smell becomes really noticeable. Whichever comes first. Why do I wait so long? Is it because I’m a procrastinator with a bad memory? Am I secretly hoping in vain someone else will do it? (Like who? Jenge?? She’s as bad as me.) So, I just did a clean up of the fridge. Those of you who read Heidi’s Blog know that recently she was ruminating about growing her own penicllin, in light of that fact here’s a few tidbits for you Heidi!!
1. Mold does not grow on pineapple in tupperware, despite the fact that it has been in there for longer than I can remember. High acidity, I’m guessing??
2. Apparently, if you put enough garlic in garlic chicken and potatoes, it will not mold either, but it will come out of the container in one, perfect container shaped lump.
3. Ditto for stuff with cayenne pepper and red pepper flakes. That was my five alarm veggie chilli and it was so HOT even Portia wouldn’t eat it. Guess the mold couldn’t survive either, I know the roof of my mouth has never been the same. . .

And for the rest of you, some advice. . .
– If you don’t know what it is/used to be, don’t even open the tupperware. Leave in the fridge till garbage day and bid it a fond farewell
– If the dog won’t even eat it, you definately can’t!!
– However, keep the dog away, just in case. Portia once ate a straw, and that wasn’t good for her. She’d prolly eat rotten veggies in a heartbeat. Except mushrooms, she just likes to roll on those. Go figure. . .
– How much salad dressing does one really need? Anything over three bottles and you’re just showing off.
– Make sure you have a fresh lemon on hand. I garborated (sp??) lots of stuff and then found out I didn’t have a lemon to fire down the garborator after it all. Jenge just got off the treadmill, came upstairs and was like, ‘GAWD! What is that smell??!!??’ I told her, ‘Scary Fridge Day – nuff said.’

So, if you haven’t taken a peek into the depths of your fridge in a while, go grab some gloves and go forth and be brave. And if you’re sitting there thinking, “Yuck! I clean out my fridge weekly because I’m an adult!” Well, bully for you. Go drink some Ensure and leave the rest of us alone!!

Weighty matters. . . .

So I’m on the JC (Jenny Craig) and it’s been going pretty well. I just had weigh in today and I’m doing well (down 9lbs so far). I’ve tried WW (Weight Watchers) before too and while it was a great program, I hate to cook and will avoid it at any cost. So, while on WW I generally had about 4 things I would be willing to make and then I would live off of that for months. But on JC I get lots of different stuff and I never have to worry about what I’m going to have for supper or lunch, someone already planned that for me. Which is fabulous, because generally I would skip lunch because it was too much of a hassle to think of something to bring.

I also need the weigh-ins to stay on track. Before, if I didn’t have to weigh in I wouldn’t think about what I was eating, no one was going to check up on me, after all, and the next thing you know, you’re starting to wonder if the washing machine is doing something funky to your clothes, and making them all smaller! Oh the lies we tell ourselves! I must have put these jeans in the dryer, that’s why they are so tight, this shirt must have shrunk which is why it doesn’t cover my belly anymore. Keebler Elves have been secretly sneaking into my room at night and tailoring my clothes!!

So it’s going pretty well. If you’ve ever struggled with your weight, you know how it seems to color every facet of your life. I sometimes still get worried going to the mall to buy runners because I worry that the people in the shoe store will think, “Why is that fat girl here buying running shoes, clearly, she doesn’t work out!” Or you try on one pair of pants that doesn’t fit and your entire day is RUINED!! So it’s a work in progress.

Technically, now that I’ve lost the 9 lbs, I’m not even overweight anymore. I’m just in the range for a healthy BMI. But as I’ve always maintained, fat is a state of mind. And figuring out how to get your insides to match your outsides is WAY HARDER than figuring out what to eat and how much of it you need. The best advice I have is to ask a trusted friend or family member what they think about your weight. They will be honest and even though, sometimes, the truth hurts, they will be WAY more sensitive and kind about it than you WILL EVER BE to yourself. Because, let’s face it, you say things to yourself that you WOULD NEVER say to someone you cared about.

So if you’re feeling chumby (as my Aunt Doxa would say), cut yourself a little slack and then find a program that works for you. And I always remind myself that I didn’t gain the weight fast (it sorta snuck up on me – Surprise!! There’s five more pounds attached to my A##!) so it’ll take some time to come off.

But meanwhile, I am changing my locks just in case the Keebler elves were tightening my clothes!! Damn Cookie Hobbits!!

Well, if you do, fess up! You’re not alone! It’s time to own up to the freakish things we do that we tell ourselves are normal. I, myself, have many. But I am WELL AWARE that they are oddities, that they are irrational, that they make no sense whatsoever to anyone but me. But what really gets my manicured nails a-typing is when someone else who, CLEARLY, has bizarre quirks of their own, calls my quirks dumb or stupid but COMPLETELY REFUSES to acknowledge that they have them too!! I know that I have kooky habits, but they are my habits and they make my little world happy so shut it! Don’t sit there and tell me it’s completely irrational that I don’t let my toothbrush touch the counter and then turn around and check your cell phone six times in an hour ‘just in case it rang and I didn’t hear it.’

So what are some of my quirks and the rationalizations behind them? Here are some random ones. Take a look and then think about some of your own. . . . if. . . you. . . DARE!!!
1. The pillow I sleep on must not touch the floor. Rationale – floors are dirty and I have to put my face on that pillow.
2. A sponge must not be left touching the taps. Rationale – Sponges are microcosms of GERMS and I have to touch that tap!
3. No one but me may drink out of my coffee cup, water glass, soda can etc. Rationale – Hey, you get mononucleosis 4 times in one summer because this rule wasn’t obeyed, and then we can talk rationalities.
4. Wash my hands when I get home from work. Rationale – the world is a dirty place, and I’ve been touching keyboards, mice, phones, and somebody else’s documents all day long. God only knows what was on that stuff.
5. Coffee cures all your woes. Rationale – Coffee is warm, coffee is good. Coffee makes me happy, ergo, coffee is the solution to the universe’s problems.
6. Don’t put your finger in my pancake batter. Rationale – Do you mind? I don’t even touch my own food with my hands until I’ve washed my hands thouroughly. Keep your mits off, D!
7. I don’t eat chicken that looks like chicken. Rationale – I saw a chicken killed once in rural Greece. We had chicken that night. I’m scarred for life!!
8. I don’t actually prepare chicken either. Rationale – I thought that if it didn’t look like chicken I would be okay, but after 10 minutes of trying to Shake-n-Bake some chicken breasts I broke out in the shakes and a cold sweat. No joke.
9.My CD’s and Books must be alphabetized. Rationale – How the hell do you expect to find something if it’s not alphabetized??!!??
10.Before I go to bed, I must follow this specific routine – Turn on lamp, turn off light, sit on edge of bed, put on chapstick (we’ve already established I’m an addict), put on hand cream (left over from my Starbucks Barista days when my hands were so dry they would crack and bleed), take off glasses, turn off lamp, get into bed, fluff pillows on right, fluff pillows on left, lie on back for a couple of minutes, then left side, then right side, left side again, fall asleep. Including falling asleep time this all takes about an hour. Rationale – okay, I totally need the chapstick, who can think about sleeping when their lips are dry? Hand cream too, otherwise they get chapped as well. As for pillow fluffing and tossing and turning, it takes soooooooooooooooo looooooooooooong for the brain to shut off at night, that really, those are just the things I do to pass the time while my brain is spinning out a million thoughts a minute, like – how much money should I put on Visa this month? Is that the fan downstairs I hear? Did so-and-so get back to me at work about that report yet? Maybe I should just send another email . . . Did I wash my jeans for tomorrow or do I have to wear something else, you know it’s a been a while since I wore a skirt, maybe I should wear a skirt, but I think it’s calling for snow. I suppose it is possible that every snowflake is unique but really, since it can’t be empirically proven, isn’t it just a theory and not a fact? You’re never going to be able to check ALL the snowflakes that fall. Unless there is a mathmatical formula for it that I don’t know about. Like the one we had in PMAT for proving there is an infinite number of primes, I mean, that’s why we use letters in place of numbers in proofs, because you want to prove that something is true for ALL NUMBERS, not just some, so you use a letter in place of a number. How did Fermat know that A to the Nth power plus B to the Nth power equals C to the Nth power is never true for any N bigger than 2? Or was he bluffing? Is that the fan I hear, oh wait, I already thought about that. Don’t look at the clock, don’t look at the clock, you don’t want to know if you should be asleep by now. . . . .

And so on and so on.

So go ahead, admit your quirks, or are you, ahem, CHICKEN??!!??

Mouse-trap Mummy!

Ahhhhh, my dog Portia. She’s super cute, always soft and warm, and sleeps curled up in a cute little ball. . .

She also is a counter-surfer. Our kitchen counter at home has an imaginary line I call the Portia-Line. Behind this line, your items are safe, on the wrong side of this line (The Portia Zone), kiss your stuff goodbye!!

After it became impossible to leave anything on the counter I had a serious discussion with my local vet (you can go to your local vet and get a behavioural consultation if you like). She told me to put a mouse trap on the counter.

I nodded politely and agreed that would most likely do the trick but in my head I thought “My Baby!! Snapped by a mouse trap!! I can’t do it! She could get hurt!!”

So the counter surfing continued. And then I went to visit Larry at the The Pet Stop and he also told me to put mouse traps on the counter. He said that in 25 years of dog training he’s never heard of a dog that actually got caught. They just get the fur scared right off them.

So I was ready to listen. The trick is to set it up when Portia is not around. That way when it goes off it has NOTHING to do with mummy, it’s a horrendous consequence of counter surfing. So I bought some mousetraps at my local Home Depot and set one up on the counter (this was right after the incident where she ate an entire tub of margarine and sour cream!). I started making myself my peanut butter on english muffin and waited. Sure enough, Portia saddled up to the counter and tried to get the peanut butter knife I left in the Portia Zone. I heard a snap! A yip! and she skedaddled outta there like wildfire! And promptly hid behind the piano!

She hasn’t been much of a counter surfer since.

But yesterday I came home and found my Scarlett Pimpernel VHS tapes DESTROYED (Yes Mark and Heidi, it’s sad but TRUE). Little fiend has found a new hobby. This is right on the heels of her destroying several VHS tape cases. And this morning I came downstairs and found another tape ruined (completly. You can barely tell it used to be a VHS tape) So I got out my trusty mouse trap and set it up while she was outside frolicking in blissful ingnorance. I put it right on top of my copy of The Matrix Reloaded. I let the puppies in, grabbed a magazine and waitied.

10 minutes later . . . SNAP!! YIP!! She is currently hiding out under the covers in my bed. But I think my VHS tapes are safe!!

And before you go all PETA on me, I might remind you that I contacted my vet and a competent dog trainer for this advice and they both told me it is SAFE, that she WOULDN’T GET HURT, and was a HUMANE training option. It’s the sound and the surprise that are the deterrent. If you think this could be an option for you, discuss it with your local vet. I also add that Portia is a large (50lb) dog, and her nose and paws are too big to get caught in the mouse trap. If you have a smaller dog I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you contact your vet first.

Ladies, we have a winner!

So those of you who know me, know I love my makeup! Donna can attest to my tackle box full of cosmetics kept close to me at all times. Although, those who see me on a regular basis may question my use of it (okay – so I don’t look like a movie star despite my obscene amount of makeup. What can I say? I have alot, I just don’t wear it all at the same time!)

But I digress . . .

For as long as I can remember, I have been searching for that perfect mascara. The one that lived up to all the advertising. I’ve tried TONS! I’ve spent anywhere from $30.00 a tube to bargain discounts. And yes, I’ve tried Maybelline Great Lash. I don’ t care who else loves it, it wasn’t for me.

But yesterday I found the one!! Almay Triple Effect mascara! I put it on today and right from the get go, I was happy. There was no gloopy ‘plock’ sound when I pulled the wand out of the tube and I didn’t have to scrape off 90% of what was on the brush just so I could see the bristles. It has a cute little brush with one short side and one long side. It went on like a dream and only had very minimal smudging as the day went on, which for me, was a miracle! Usually, no matter how much the product says it won’t smudge, I look like a psychotic racoon by the end of the day. I’ve tried waterproof, smudgeproof, really expensive department store makeup, and they all smudged more than this. When you feel my lashes you can tell I’m wearing mascara, but it didn’t pull off. And I didn’t get big hunks of glop on my lashes that I then had to fix with a Q-tip.

This one’s a keeper!!

My Desert Island List:
1. Almay Triple Effect Mascara
2. Lise Watier Foundation (another drugstore find!!)
3. LipSmackers – I’m an addict! and I’m turning everyone I know into one too (That’s for you, Donna!) Available in tons of flaves. Currently in my pocket: Berries and Cream
4. Mac Eyeshadow
5. Burberry London Perfume
6. Bean Stock Soap

Snorefest 2006

So I generally stay away from award shows as a rule. BORING. But I decided to give the Oscars a try again last night.

That’s an entire evening of my life I’m never getting back.

Other than the fashion, who cares? It’s pretty much a given if you made a “raw” or “gritty” movie based on a real life character that you will take home an Oscar. Similarly, if you made a “racially charged”, “complex”, or “gut wrenching” movie. Here is your no fail Oscar formula:

You’re a stunningly beautiful woman who hags it up in a ‘gripping’ social drama
You’re a stunning beautiful woman who dolls it up in a biography
You’re a clearly heterosexual man who plays a gay man
You’re an unattractive man playing a haunted man with deep demons
You affect a killer accent
You play a quirky character with many ticks
You make the most boring thinky thinky movie alive with an all star cast.

So Phillip Seymour Hoffman played a guy with a weird voice and a bad haircut. Elijah Wood made me BELIEVE he was a three foot hobbit named Frodo!!
So Southern Belle Reese Witherspoone played Southern Belle June Carter Cash. Have you seen Parker Posey in ‘House of Yes’?

It’s all about whether or not ‘The Academy’ (insert deep radio annoucer voice here) thinks you’re movie ‘has a message’. Not about whether or not it’s entertaining. Or a rocking good time.

So for now, I will stick to that other movie award show, The MTV Movie Awarads. You know, the one that’s actually fun to watch? It has WAY better categories! Like Best Kiss, Best Action Scene, Best Fight, Best On Screen Duo! Stuff that the public obviously cares about (as you can tell from box office receipts). And not stuff that NO ONE has seen other than some old guys in the back of the Kodak Theater.

It’s a rich man’s world!

Do you lie awake at night thinking about money? Do you wait for your next paycheque only to get it, cash it and then start thinking about the next one? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hard up for cash, my credit cards aren’t maxed out and I do actually contribute regularly to my RRSP. But when it’s late at night and dark outside, I’ve got money on the brain.

Like I said, I’m not broke. But I’m always thinky-thinky about the $$ factor. Mostly because I want to buy buy buy! But I don’t let let let myself. So what’s on the Wish list, you ask? Totally non-essential items that I don’t need but none the less dream about!!

1. A 12*12 linen album for my scrapbooking (actually – I’ll need a few now)
2. Griffin iTrip Auto FM Transmitter and Auto Charger for iPod

3. New lipgloss (I’m SUCH an addict!) – but in my defense I recently finished three of my faves.
4. New perfume – I’ve already got it picked out too.
5. Shoes – sigh, shoes. I dream of pretty shoes with bows and sparkles on them.
6. Socks – where do they go? Why is it you put an even number of socks in the washer but get an odd number out. They tell you about the boogey man when you are a child, but NO ONE tells you about the Sock Eating monster. And it’s a lot scarier than the boogeyman!
7. A new winter jacket – The zipper is trashed on both of my coats, and I took the buttons of my long coat years (!) ago to replace them. I’m getting around to it, really. I’m wearing Jengie’s coat right now.
8. A new purse. Yes, I know, I have many, but I am bored with them and want a new one. Plus I spilled something on my current one. I’m not sure what it was. Looks like it was prolly coffee.
9. Music – I’m always trolling iTunes or HMV for something to catch my fancy.


So that’s the short version. But I’ve already committed my next paycheque to paying down Mastercard (why do those evil minions keep raising my limit? Bad Mastercard, Bad!). Sniff. So no shopping sprees for Gita in the near future.


Okay – maybe just one new lipgloss. C’mon, they are totally cheap!!

Celebrity or High Profile Whack-job??

I just found out that Matthew McConaughey doesn’t wear deodorant. WTF? I already knew that Tom Cruise was certifiably nutty (honestly – he was SOOOOOO much better when he kept his mouth shut). Mariah Carey has a bi-annual breakdown, Lindsy Lohan has one weekly, and Paris Hilton is famous for. . . what a minute, what exaclty is Paris Hilton famous for?

In light of all this I’m forced to ask myself, what comes first? Are you an A-1 class nutcase who dreams of acting and having alot of money, or do you start of relatively normal with borderline psychotic problems (like the rest of us) and then you get drunk with the power!! The fame!! The money!! The fact that no one tells you no!!

Seriously, don’t these people have family or a best friend to pull them aside and slap them across the face and tell them to snap out of it? If I ever started acting kooky (okay – more kooky, I’m pretty squirelly as it is, hence the name of my blog) my best friend would sit me down, tilt her head sympathetically, look me straight in the eyes and tell me “Margarita, you’re fraking crazy! Wake up and smell the medication cart!!”

And if I didn’t listen to her, she would lock me in my house until I agreed to get serious help. But these celebrites!! I don’t get it! If this were the REAL WORLD you would be fired, you would find it impossible to get a good job with your tendanceis to throw Diva Hissy fits and scream at the top of your lungs that you are just suffering from exhaustion. Normal people don’t get hospitalized for exhaustion. We wake up the next day and go to work no matter how exhausted we are because the alternative is stay in bed, piss and moan about it and then default on our mortgages. Not pleasant. And what are celebrites exhausted from?? Sounds like a cake walk to me. Do a little schmoozing, show up at some parties, someone does your hair for you, shops for you cooks for you, dresses you, it’s like being 5 yrs old all over again only you have GADS of money!! The rest of us are working our *&&@# off trying to stay ahead of the tax man and Visa and make sure there is enough kibble in the pantry to feed the dog. Exhaustion!! I scoff at thee!! I have no time to be tired, no time to be sick! I say we fire all our current celebrities (keeping a select few because frankly they are too good looking to sack) and get new celebrities. I’ll hold auditions for new celebrities and the only requirement is you have to pass a psych exam. The following will not be accepted:

• Narcissism
• Pessimism
• Martyrdom
• Egocentrics
• Religious Cult Leaders
• Delusions of Grandeur
• Paranoia
• Crack addicts
• Mean people

Good idea, no?

It’s just a number!

So I keep telling myself. I turned the big 3-oh this year and felt the need to panic. I tried to do a reflection on my entire life to see where it’s been, where it’s going but then I had to finish my laundry and run the dishwasher. Do you ever feel like your life is getting in the way of life? And while we’re on the subject of numbers, let’s do a little math . . . .

Hours of sleep required a night by me – 8 (I know there are people who can get by on less but I’m not one of them – so shut it)
Hours spent commuting per day – 1.75
Hours spent a work – 7.5
Hours spent actually working – 0 (Kidding!! I work my #$% off!)
Hours spent in the shower, dressing and doing my hair and makeup – 0.5 (True story!!)
Hours spent making/drinking coffee – 0.5
Hours spent in bed cursing the alarm and pretending I don’t hear dog whining – 0.75
Hours spent eating – 0.5 (Seriously, I eat as fast as I can so I can either get to work, get back to work or drink more coffee)

So that leaves 4.5 hrs a day (theoretically) to do everything else. Which seems like it should be enough but lately. . . sigh.

So back to turning 30, why do I compare myself to everyone else my age and feel like the imaginary stick is coming up short? I have a job, I pay my taxes, shovel my driveway. So why do I feel behind? Unlike the communists, I do not have a 5 year plan. I’m lucky if I can find two matching socks in the morning. What’s with all the uber-young people achieving their entire life by 20 these days?? Everytime I turn around some young upstart has turned him/herself into a millionaire or invented the next huge dotcom or saved the world. Where’s it gonna end? Are you washed up if you haven’t split the atom with your bare hands by the time your 24? Who knows? All I know is I gotta do laundry right now if I want two socks that match tomorrow.