Monthly Archives: February 2021

The only thing to fear is fear itself?

So, with my depression and anxiety, I have done a lot of reading and therapy and what not and part of the stuff I’ve learned is that you have to know what you’re feeling and then try to figure out why.

And that doesn’t make the feelings go away, but sometimes you get insight or figure out what to work on.

And, as previously mentioned, I’m trying to regularly work on Book 6 and as I was doing so, I found I was just…. IDK, dreading sitting at the keyboard. After a few days of dread (where I did manage to write), I decided it was time to try and ‘sit’ with this feeling. Mostly, I dread a thing and then do the thing and then PEACE OUT BITCHES and that gets me nowhere. You actually have to feel the feels and think about them.

Which can be yucky. I don’t mean to make light of it or make it sound like I’m dismissing it. I genuinely find it yucky and I don’t like to do it. But figuring the feels out does work.

So, why so much dread? why the sick feeling in my tummy when I think about going to write?

After looking at the handy emotion wheel, (which I highly recommend), I started to suspect it was fear I was feeling/dreading.

Emotion Wheel

But I wasn’t sure WHAT I was afraid of. So I sat with that for a while and then I finally figured out that I was afraid I would sit down and the words wouldn’t come. I was afraid even though I’m trying to write book 6, that book 6 is unwriteable and I will sit there and slowly watch myself fail at this task.

And…. that was scary and I don’t like feeling it, but okay, now at least I know what I’m working with.

I’ve been trying to sit with the thought that…. THAT MIGHT BE TRUE. I might sit down and the words may not come and it may all be a big, slow, slog to dismal failure.

And that will not kill me. *takes a deep breath*. It will SUCK and I will not like it if that happens, but it will not kill me.

And of course, on the other end of the spectrum is I keep working at it and I DO FINISH Book 6! So…. there’s that out there too.

Now, for those of you that do this kind of review of your feels, you know the drill – this doesn’t make them magically go away. I’m not suddenly UNAFRAID OF THE FAILURE. but now I can name it and recognize it and DO THE WORK ANYWAY. Whereas before I would just…. IDK, classically avoid those feelings by avoiding the writing.

So, I’m still going with the writing, and it’s slow. But it’s going!


Weekly Check-in Thingy

I’m back for my weekly-ish check-in. Still hanging in there and getting my writing done 6 out of 7 days this week, which I feel pretty good about. I’m done editing what I had already written and now working on new stuff for Book 6. Some days, my word count doesn’t appear like it’s made my 250 goal, but that’s because I’m deleting stuff that wasn’t working as I go. I may end up writing 500 words, but deleting 300 of what I previously had. So, my actual NET word count is below the 250 goal, but I’m still happy with my progress.

Current total word count for book 6 is about 49,000 ish words. I solved one problem I was having with the ‘vibe’ of the book by changing a thing, but then that introduced another problem (isn’t that always the way), but I think I’ve got that sorted out too!

Vague writer is vague. I like to talk about it, but don’t want to risk spoilers.

Haven’t worked on my fanfic project this week although I think I’ll tackle that a bit tonight. I’ve got book 6’s words done for the day on my lunch break from day-job, so I can potentially look at my fanfic project tonight. There are no goals on that fanfic (no fest/posting date set) so it doesn’t matter if it never gets done.

And that’s the tea for this week.


Working away….

Again, trying to post more regularly to keep the momentum going. I’ve been working on book 6 as discussed and it’s slow going, but it’s at least going. I have a very small and modest goal of 250 words a day and I managed that 6/7 days this week, so I’m happy with that! I’m editing my way through what I’ve already written and was mostly making minor changes, but now I’ve reached the last two scenes and have to clean some stuff up so that I can go forward.

MILD SPOILER ALERTS – Jump to the ******** to avoid

So, I had Lily going away in this book but then SOMETHING HAPPENED And she had to come back and that felt really… annoying? IDK what the word is. It’s like, why set her up to go away if she’s just going to turn around and come back, so she’s not going away, she’s at the Coven now, except I wrote two scenes with her NOT THERE, and I have to update/change that because she very much WOULD BE THERE for Jade.

****** End of mild spoiler.

Non-spoiler random chit chat – I always want to keep the Lily-Jade relationship close. I feel like women have relationships, close ones, with their family, their friends and sometimes in books I don’t see that. I see a lead female character that has no close female friends and it bothers me. I have a lot of great friends (SHOUT OUT TO THE SQUEE GANG and my other PEEPS) and we lean on each other and while it may not always be an exciting scene or a page-turner when you go to your friends/family for comfort, it’s REAL.

And if you don’t have that, I think you still might like to see it happen to know it’s out there, and maybe live vicariously off that comfort.

I don’t mean to be unnecessarily ‘gendered’ about that either – PEOPLE have non-romantic relationships that are very important in their life, and I want to see that in books/fiction. It’s just that to me it’s also special that it’s a close relationship between two women.

So, yeah, that’s how it’s going. I’m going to keep plugging away to meet (or exceed) my daily word count goal. This week, I’ll be wrapping up the editing on what I’ve already written and plunging into new writing.

To help me have projects to rotate, I’m also picking away at a fanfic (I think I’ve mentioned before that I have written and still do write it – and no you can’t have my fandom name ;)). Fanfic is just fun. I can re-write the same story over and over and over again making only minor variations. ALL THE TROPES!! ALL THE CLICHES!!

I have a fandom fanfic bingo card, where you have a bunch of tropes and you try to write for each square to get a bingo and my brain is like BUT WHAT IF I PUT THEM ALL INTO ONE STORY??? lol, can you imagine?

That’s it for now!