Monthly Archives: June 2015

Defending my Introversion

I definitely identify as an introvert and while that term is becoming more well known it’s often confused with ‘shy.’ Sometimes I think I feel shy as well. But that could be the social anxiety. It’s hard to say.

So what do I mean when I say I’m an introvert? I mean that generally, I find being around people exhausting. I feel like I have to be ‘on’ and I’m always watching and interpreting what’s happening and analyzing the conversation and trying to figure out what comes next and who will talk next and what will I say in return. Sales clerks, collegues, peers, passer-bys on the train – it’s all an interaction with me and I have to ‘prep’ for it.

I LOVE being at home, especially at the end of the day. It’s quiet. I talk to my sister or my mum. I text. I read. I write. I really need that recharging time. On the weekends, I’m VERY happy to stay in and do my own thing. as I always say, I love to hang out with me. We do all the things I like to do.

But sometimes when I tell people I’m an introvert, they’re surprised and I often hear, “But you don’t seem shy.” – well, again, it’s not the same thing. I’m not afraid to talk to people most of the time [although some days, HELLO ANXIETY]. At work, I just like to work with my spreadsheets and docs and do my thing. When I see a day of meetings…. sigh.

Honestly, I just don’t GET social interaction. I can do it, and I would say I’m pretty good at it; I can carry on conversations and make small talk but… I don’t GET it. Why are we having small talk? Do either of us care about the weather? Why do we have to do this complicated and frankly tiresome ‘dance’ of hi, how are you? fine and you? fine. how’s the job? got plans for the weekend? boy it’s hot out there, eh? Can’t we just cut to the point?

Some people LOVE it. And I’m happy for them. But I really don’t get it. At work, when people call me I avoid the small talk as much as possible.

*Phone Rings*
Me: Margarita speaking
Person: Hi Margarita, it’s so-and-soMe: Hi, so and so. What can I do for you today?


I like having detailed discussions with people. Today at work we were discussing some pain points we have and that was interesting. that was getting us somewhere. I want to know how people are working through their stuff and find out if we have the same issues. Or with my friends, I like to have conversations about our jobs, our goals, has anyone found a dark red lipstick that doesn’t feather or bleed yet. But the mingling…

I’m exhausted after a day of work talking to people. I often dread social functions where I know I will have to *shudder* ‘mingle’. Again, I can do it, and I think I’m good at it. But I don’t prefer it. Sometimes I feel like people think if I go out and do the small talk thing enough times, that eventually I’ll like it or ‘get over’ being introverted, but it’s not like it’s a skill I haven’t developed. I just… like to be alone.



Face Palm [with a side helping of Social Anxiety]


I used to get emailed when someone commented on my blog and I guess that’s not working or I turned it off or something. Anyway. I’m really sorry to the people who commented and only heard back from me today! Epic fail.

Side note – Social Anxiety. Ugh, I know it makes no sense but when I saw there were comments my first thought was, “OH! COMMENTS! YAY!” and then when I realized how old they were my second thought was “OH SHIT! OH NOES. NOW PEOPLE THINK I’M IGNORING THEM AND IT’S SO RUDE. Is it too late to reply back? But not replying back at all is even ruder! okay, it’s okay. It’s an honest mistake! but how did I miss this? oh shit. Okay, okay. WHAT DO I DO. Do I reply back? Do I do a mass post and say I saw them and I’m sorry? I’ll just reply back, and apologize. It’s fine. but SO LATE.” And then I imagined hiding in my bed for a while with the covers over my head. I couldn’t actually do that because, you know, JOB and GROCERIES and LAUNDRY and shit. But…. I thought about it. It’s time’s like this that I identify with Lola’s worried face:


If you don’t have social anxiety, you’re probably frowning and wondering how/why a person can get so worked up over this. but if you DO have social anxiety, you’re nodding your head and also feeling a little sick in your own stomach because you’ve have had similar experiences and it’s. the. worst.

I’ve been working on my social anxiety for a long time. A LONG TIME. But it’s still there, and likely always will be. And it just… gets set off by stuff. It was set off yesterday by being at an appointment and it was SUPER busy and there were all these PEOPLE and I could just FEEL the anticipation and impatience of the waiters, and the receptionist was working hard but I felt like there was also waves of “I KNOW IT’S CRAZY BUSY JUST CHILLAX” coming off him, and all those things together with me being at a new place was just…  I almost left. But. Deep breaths. And an internal monologue of, “stay the hell put. you booked this appointment now WAIT. You’re fine. it’s fine. EVERYONE IS FINE,” kept me there. And it all worked out.