So, with my depression and anxiety, I have done a lot of reading and therapy and what not and part of the stuff I’ve learned is that you have to know what you’re feeling and then try to figure out why.
And that doesn’t make the feelings go away, but sometimes you get insight or figure out what to work on.
And, as previously mentioned, I’m trying to regularly work on Book 6 and as I was doing so, I found I was just…. IDK, dreading sitting at the keyboard. After a few days of dread (where I did manage to write), I decided it was time to try and ‘sit’ with this feeling. Mostly, I dread a thing and then do the thing and then PEACE OUT BITCHES and that gets me nowhere. You actually have to feel the feels and think about them.
Which can be yucky. I don’t mean to make light of it or make it sound like I’m dismissing it. I genuinely find it yucky and I don’t like to do it. But figuring the feels out does work.
So, why so much dread? why the sick feeling in my tummy when I think about going to write?
After looking at the handy emotion wheel, (which I highly recommend), I started to suspect it was fear I was feeling/dreading.
But I wasn’t sure WHAT I was afraid of. So I sat with that for a while and then I finally figured out that I was afraid I would sit down and the words wouldn’t come. I was afraid even though I’m trying to write book 6, that book 6 is unwriteable and I will sit there and slowly watch myself fail at this task.
And…. that was scary and I don’t like feeling it, but okay, now at least I know what I’m working with.
I’ve been trying to sit with the thought that…. THAT MIGHT BE TRUE. I might sit down and the words may not come and it may all be a big, slow, slog to dismal failure.
And that will not kill me. *takes a deep breath*. It will SUCK and I will not like it if that happens, but it will not kill me.
And of course, on the other end of the spectrum is I keep working at it and I DO FINISH Book 6! So…. there’s that out there too.
Now, for those of you that do this kind of review of your feels, you know the drill – this doesn’t make them magically go away. I’m not suddenly UNAFRAID OF THE FAILURE. but now I can name it and recognize it and DO THE WORK ANYWAY. Whereas before I would just…. IDK, classically avoid those feelings by avoiding the writing.
So, I’m still going with the writing, and it’s slow. But it’s going!