Internets, I try to be positive but sometimes, I just need a good rant. There’s gonna be language below. STRONG OPINIONS. Those with delicate sensibilities should avert their eyes.

Let’s talk about weight.

I’m overweight. Chubby. You could even say the f-word – Fat. I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life. Consequently, I know a metric fuck ton about weight loss and calories and metabolisms and working out.

Let’s face it: if you want to know about weight and how it all works, don’t ask a thin person – someone who’s been fit their whole life. Ask a fat person. I GUARANTEE the fat person will know more. You can disagree, you’d be wrong.

This week my FAT BUTTONS got pushed when I was speaking with someone about weight and this person proceed to spout off that all people needed to do was burn as many calories as they ate. This person said that he/she burned ‘at least 5000 calories a day’ by moving and so could I if I chose.

CLEARLY THIS PERSON DID NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WEIGHT LOSS. After talking more it turned out that they also never really liked sweets and always preferred vegetables anyway.

So yeah. KNOWS NOTHING. perhaps is lucky by nature to be the kind of eater that promotes a healthy weight, but in terms of knowledge, isn’t knowledgeable. But! Because they are slender, they are seen as ‘an expert.’

So, what would I, a 37 year old woman who weights BLAH BLAH BLAH [sweet Jesus you didn’t think I would put my weight down did you??] have to do a day to burn 5000 calories? According to my research [google I love you] SEVERAL HOURS OF EXERCISE. So, if I had say, 5 hrs to kill and an elliptical trainer and I went ALL  OUT for those FIVE HOURS, I could expect to burn 3500 calories. ALL OUT FOR FIVE HOURS ON AN ELLIPTICAL TRAINER.

You let me know if you have that kind of time and I want your day job.

Now! Let’s talk about LIES THE WEIGHT LOSS WORLD HAS TOLD ME AND OR USELESS ‘TIPS’ in every mag out there:

1. Are you feeling hungry? Drink water! You may just actually be thirsty! – I drink 2 litres of water a day. I’m pretty sure I’m fucking hungry. So hungry I feel sick. And the more water I drink  the MORE NOTHING ABOUT THAT CHANGES.

2. Eat some veggies if you’re hungry! – I did. I was hungry 20 minutes later. You fuckers. And my tummy hurts because raw veg are tough on me, but I don’t carry a steamer around to blanch them a bit so if I want to eat veg on the go, it’s raw or bust.

3. Make sure you get protein at every meal! – listen, I have the BEST diet of people I know. I’ve seen a nutritionist to help me ensure that I’m getting all I need. I’m still hungry like a MOFO 70% of the day.

4. Eat every few hours to keep your metabolism going – I DO. Still hungry folks.

5. Cut out those sugary drinks! Full of empty calories – I DID. WHEN I WAS 17. TWENTY YEARS AGO.

6. GET MORE SLEEP – Uh, listen. there’s a limited number of hours in the day and I already go to bed at 11 and get up at 5.45 REGULARLY. I’m pretty strict with my sleep schedule. I’m not sure where I’m supposed to fit MORE SLEEP in.

7. LIFT WEIGHTS – I  DO.

8. I’M JUST RANDOMLY CAPSLOCKING NOW BECAUSE TALKING ABOUT WEIGHT ALWAYS MAKES ME ANGRY

9. Throw that scale out! – Everyone I know that has done this GAINS weight. It’s the WORST advice out there. I don’t need to get rid of the scale, I need to manage my reaction to it. Getting rid of a scale is like…. Telling me to get rid of my hammer because I don’t like hammering nails, but then telling me the nails still have to be hammered in. You’ve pretty much just crippled my ability to do anything. and now I feel worse about it.

10. After a couple weeks, you’ll find working out is a habit you just don’t want to break – LIARS! I did a bootcamp for TWO YEARS [LOVED My trainer and my fellow work out people], I worked out with a personal trainer [Liked my trainer, saw results] for a YEAR – I still don’t like it. It’s STILL a struggle to do. I’m just not a person who enjoys working out. I’ve found stuff I like to do as far as exercise goes [dancing, ballet, cardio aerobics] but I still have to grit my teeth to get started. EVERY TIME. I don’t like it. And let me state for the record, that I really did have the BEST bootcamp trainer out there. Her name was Michelle. SHE WAS AWESOME. She worked us HARD but she was SO GREAT About it. I never had a fitness person motivate me positively before while still getting me to work as hard as I could, but she did. So it wasn’t that I had a bad experience. I loved Michelle! She was great! I still don’t like working out.

The whole weight thing always makes me want to just… stomp around and yell and hit things. It’s one of the few things in my life that makes me angry, upset, irrational, anxious, embarrassed and self-righteous all at once. I’ve been fighting my weight since I was 9 [that I can remember] and I’ll be fighting it until I die. It’s exhausting. I don’t even know how to wrap this post up. I wish I had some silver-lining advice or zen-like realization that I’ve come to. All I know is it’s all-consuming and if I didn’t have to worry/agonize over my weight, I feel like so much of my brain would be freed up to work on other things.