Originally posted on Laurie’s Thoughts and Reviews – on July 29, 2013
[I imagine this interview taking place over the phone, breaking the fourth wall between reality and fiction]
Occupation? Well I just found out I’m a witch, so, witch? Can I put that? If not I guess I’ll put my former job which is a statistical analyst.
Age? Why so pushy with the questions? Look, I’m old enough to drink in all of North America and young enough to not be worried about RRSPs. Yet.
Tell us about your family.
Should I lie down on a couch for this? Maybe you want to pull out some inkblots or something? I don’t really get along with them. Isn’t that what most people say? You can’t pick your family? Well, you can’t. If I could, I would’ve… well not picked them for sure. My mom was… disinterested to say the least and my dad… drank. A lot. Or drinks, I guess since he’s probably drinking right now. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere. They’ll probably dig him up a hundred years after he dies and find him perfectly preserved and smelling of vodka.
As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Just… free. Out of the house. In charge of my life. Stable. Yeah, stable’s a good word. I don’t want to be living by someone’s else’s whim.
If you could apologize to someone in your past, who would it be?
Lily. For… everything. For not knowing when to back down. For never being able to say no to her. For giving in. For making a mess out of everything. I’m doing my best now. I’m trying to… make it all worth it. I don’t think it will ever be enough. I can’t say I’m sorry enough.
Can you elaborate on that?
What would we find under your bed?
Recently, I’ve kind of found myself the owner of this lizard thing? His name is Bruce. He likes to be under my bed. Or in my closet. I just got him. Or rather, he got me, I guess. Basically, I think someone flushed him down the toilet and in our coven and a lot of crap [no pun intended] goes down too. It was a bad combination of him and magic stuff and now he’s like… big and different. And green. So I call him Bruce Banner. Oh, and my special shoebox. I keep stuff in there. It goes everywhere I go.
What makes you happy?
Well, I like a good cup of coffee when it’s fresh out of the pot and almost a little too hot. I like those days that your jeans fit really well and it’s not just because you haven’t washed them in too long. I like when I find a parking spot close at the mall even though I’m going to have to walk around when I get there. I really like when I’m done my workout and I don’t have to do it again for another day. I mean, those are all things that I like. I guess I’m happy when they happen. [Pause] I don’t quite know what you mean.
You just won a huge lottery what is the first thing you’ll buy?
How much does a butler cost? Can you just buy one? Straight out for 40 years? Someone to make sure I have my lunch as I leave for work and put my keys in the same place every day. And gas up the car. I hate gassing up the car. And he can answer the door too and we can pretend I’m not at home when it’s someone I don’t like. He’ll say, “I’m sorry, Mistress Jade is not in residence at the moment,” when really, EVERYONE knows you’re at home, but short of calling out your butler as a liar, what can people do?
What book are you reading now?
I got these demon grimoires from Paris. He’s kind of my boss I guess. He runs the coven and he’s helping me learn magic. No one else in the coven does demon magic. They think it’s taboo or something. But I like it. It takes a while to get through though. The books give you headaches if you read them for too long. Paris doesn’t like to work on demon magic too much either. He’s got some issues with it.
What was the scariest moment of your life?
I don’t… I don’t like to talk about that. I… you shouldn’t ask questions like that. Why would you ask that?
What one word best describes you?
Uh, listen, it’s probably for the best if you don’t mention the lizard thing to too many people. No one knows I have him right now. He’s not dangerous. I don’t think. But just…you know. Be discrete?
Trial by Fire can be purchased on Amazon!