Author Archives: margaritagakis

Patience, Padawan – Cello and Writing

I often think and draw parallels between my cello lessons and my writing progress. I feel like I’m a constant student – I never want to think I’m THERE because I feel like there’s so much to be said for always being on the journey.

In cello, I’ve FINALLY progressed enough to learn one of the Bach Cello Suites. I’ve chosen Suite 2

Oh, I love this one so much. I listen to it a lot and I put my ipod on repeat to hear it over and over again. I would probably have started this earlier IF I PRACTICED, but as it is, I don’t practice very much and I have the BEST CELLO TEACHER ever, and she’s fine with how much I do or don’t practice and just works with me where I am. We FINALLY started working on this and I was SO EXCITED. I said to her, “I’ve told people I’m working on it and they want to hear it!” and she nodded with excitement and said, “Yeah, in a couple of years, you’ll be ready to play this!”

RECORD SCRATCH – WHUT. A COUPLE OF YEARS???

Ah, yes. Such is the cello, such is Bach, such is the way of things. I will be able to play the notes, and indeed can do so moderately now [okay, moderately is generous. I can hit the notes. Mostly. Some of the time.].

But yes. YEARS. That’s how long it will take for me to ‘work’ on Bach and play the Prelude of Suite No.2.

And that’s… well. that’s okay actually. I mean, what else am I doing? Don’t’ get me wrong, it sucks that it will take two years, but… it’s a journey, you know?

I feel that way about my writing. I’m happy with each work as I finish it but as I look back on things I think, well, this could be tweaked or that could have been better. But I’m still a work in progress as a writer, and I hope I always am. I hope to always be learning and growing. Although it can be hard at times feeling like you never GET TO THE END, there’s also a sense of freedom in never GETTING TO THE END. It’s like… if I don’t get it exactly perfect, I get to try again on the next round! That’s kind of liberating and frees from this feeling of.. if I don’t get it right, it’s all over. Now, if I don’t get it right, I just try again.

So, Patience, Padawan. We must learn to love the process.

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Here – read my diary

Waiting for people to read my work is kind of like waiting for them to read my diary. As a writer, when you think about people reading your stuff, it’s like this strange double edged sword. You WANT people to read your stuff. You WANT to be popular. But you fear it too. You fear it like you fear waking up in the middle of the night and putting your foot down on the ground and thinking that something will reach out from under your bed and claw at your ankle before you can get to the light switch.

Or maybe that’s just me. I know something lives under the bed. And I’m scared of it. The same way I’m scared to let people read my stuff.

I’m DYING for them to read it! to LOVE IT! and I will be that CREEPY AUTHOR standing over them acting like Leonard from the Big Bang Theory.

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But at the same time, it’s scary. Because… my writing is how I see the world. It’s how I think and how I feel. It’s how I see things happen and then interpret and understand those things. Putting it all out there is like this feeling of release and relief but also fear and anxiety. Kind of like taking your bra off at the end of the day, but having to do it in front of an open window.

 

 

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Covencraft – Jade and Paris – Jade’s Demisexuality

I’ve been thinking a lot about something and I’d like to address it. I know that some of my closer readers [friends and family] have expressed a notion that Jade and Paris really should be getting it on by now [they have said it in a nicer way/classier way, but that’s essentially what it boils down to]. This leaves me feeling like I need to address or discuss Jade/Paris and their interactions, or lack thereof. [those of you in fandoms will recognize the SLASH ‘/’ as used when people are in a romantic and/or sexual relationship and isn’t to be confused with just general interactions. If I wanted to talk about their friendship, I would type Jade-Paris, but when I use the slash, there is something ‘more’ implied about their relationship].

Yes, I know, Jade and Paris haven’t so much as kissed in my books but I feel there is definitely an attraction there on both sides. Whether it’s something the readers are in support of or notice, I’m not sure. But, for me, as an author, it’s there. Jade feels *THINGS* with respect to Paris. She’s just not sure how to articulate them or even address them. And I think that in as much as Paris ‘lets’ himself feel an attraction to Jade, he does.

Let’s look at Paris first, since he’s the easier of the two. There are spoilers for book 2 below this sentence……

 

Paris is obviously a guy and feels an attraction to Jade on a simple/visceral level – she’s attractive. I wouldn’t say Jade is drop-dead gorgeous, but she doesn’t have to wear a bag over her head either. She’s also the kind of person I imagine gets better looking as you know her, because at first [and most of the time, still] she’s kind of bratty. But, Paris is also Coven Leader and I feel that he’s had to sacrifice a lot of his personal life at the alter of Leadership. I think he’s keenly aware of his position in the Coven and how, if he did feel an attraction to someone, his position as a person of authority colors that. I think it’s why he had a history/relationship with Veronica – she was also in a position of authority as a Coven Leader of her own Coven and he didn’t worry so much that he may be abusing his ‘authority’ while in a relationship with her as she had a similar position herself. I think that Paris is always hyper-aware that anyone he may show an interest in may have a hero-worship complex for him because of his power and his authority. It was always known since he was young that he would be Coven Leader an in that sense, he’s not just a ‘regular person.’ People have pre-evaulated judgements/feelings toward him. I think that he’s also so busy that he’s turned a blind eye to that aspect of his life. It’s one of the reason that Callie and Paris are so close as FRIENDS. She’s always been in his life since they were both young. She’s able to be there for him as a friend, but not as a romantic interest. She has a boyfriend [Nick, who we don’t really see ‘on screen. I feel like I know him rather well because of scenes I’ve written for him in drafts that didn’t make the cut or alternate universes that haven’t happened]. So Callie has NO romantic interest in Paris and neither does he have an interest in her. While Paris may feel attracted at times to people [I’m not TOTALLY sold on him being STRICTLY heterosexual. I feel like he could be a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey Scale and not exclusively a 0], it’s not something he focuses on because he has his work and that takes up almost all of his time. But to be honest, I don’t worry/think as much about Paris’ sexuality as I do about Jade’s.

 

HERE THERE BE SPOILERS FOR BOOKS THREE AND FOUR – YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

 

 

In my mind, I clearly identify Jade as a demisexual and she just always has been.

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Demisexual Flag

While I’ve not explicitly stated it in the books, Jade is also sexual assault survivor and that definitely has an impact on her current relationships and how she views interactions. To be clear, she was demisexual before she was sexually assaulted. It’s not a response to her trauma, it just IS the way she IS. Lily, on the other hand, is not demisexual. She experiences sexual attraction a lot easier and more freely than Jade. I may explore that in a later book, I’m not sure. Lily might get her own series. It’s all… kind of up in the air. But I do clearly see Jade as demisexual. She has to have a STRONG connection with someone BEFORE she even thinks of them in a sexual manner. At times, it may appear that she is asexual or repressive, but it’s just that she takes a long time to process things and she can’t even fathom being sexually attracted to someone without having a connection and she DOES NOT connect with many people. At all. I’ve no doubt that she IS attracted to Paris, but that attraction really took time for her to grow into. She has to get to know him but also, has to be in a place where she feels more secure and safe in her environment. When she first joins the Coven, she’s not in that place. She’s nowhere near the head space she needs to be in to address those feelings. When that’s coupled with her past as a sexual assault survivor, it takes her a long time to EVEN acknowledge her attraction to Paris, which is where we see her, I think, at the end of book3, Double-Sided Witch. The arrival/appearance/return of Lily is a catalyst for Jade in more ways than one. Lily can point things out to Jade that Jade cannot see herself, but also, with Lily no longer being ‘gone’ or ‘dead’, Jade is finally able to move forward.

So, where do I see that going? Well, I’m not sure! I’m sort of watching them [Jade and Paris] to see how it goes. It’s very important to me that Paris respects Jade’s boundaries and I think he’s keen enough as a leader and a person to see and recognize those boundaries even when she doesn’t explicitly state them. The fact that at the end of book 3, Jade willingly, WITHOUT REAL THOUGHT, reaches out and touches Paris is a big thing for her. I’m sure in this time/age/world of sex-sex-sex, it’s considered a non-event, but for Jade, that’s a real moment. One that I’m not sure either Jade or Paris may recognize. Lily would be able to see it for what it was, and I may have her address it. The other way we ‘see’ Jade’s feelings for Paris is through Bruce – Jade’s familiar. Bruce’s feelings are a mirror or a composite of Jade’s and, being a LIZARD [lol], he’s a lot more free in expressing them. We see Bruce in book 3 SEEK PARIS OUT to let him know there’s a problem [Bruce’s scaly patch] and we also see Bruce showing a fondness for Josef – something Jade feels as well. In book 4, I’m hoping to explore that, and maybe have Paris tune in a bit more to it. He knows familiars have the same/similar emotions as their witches, but I feel like he may need to be hit with a Clue-by-four and really have that, OH WOW moment in book 4.

I’m still working out what this all means for them as I write book 4 and tentatively sketch out book 5! But, those are my thoughts. Do with them what you will.

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Defending my Introversion

I definitely identify as an introvert and while that term is becoming more well known it’s often confused with ‘shy.’ Sometimes I think I feel shy as well. But that could be the social anxiety. It’s hard to say.

So what do I mean when I say I’m an introvert? I mean that generally, I find being around people exhausting. I feel like I have to be ‘on’ and I’m always watching and interpreting what’s happening and analyzing the conversation and trying to figure out what comes next and who will talk next and what will I say in return. Sales clerks, collegues, peers, passer-bys on the train – it’s all an interaction with me and I have to ‘prep’ for it.

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I LOVE being at home, especially at the end of the day. It’s quiet. I talk to my sister or my mum. I text. I read. I write. I really need that recharging time. On the weekends, I’m VERY happy to stay in and do my own thing. as I always say, I love to hang out with me. We do all the things I like to do.

But sometimes when I tell people I’m an introvert, they’re surprised and I often hear, “But you don’t seem shy.” – well, again, it’s not the same thing. I’m not afraid to talk to people most of the time [although some days, HELLO ANXIETY]. At work, I just like to work with my spreadsheets and docs and do my thing. When I see a day of meetings…. sigh.

Honestly, I just don’t GET social interaction. I can do it, and I would say I’m pretty good at it; I can carry on conversations and make small talk but… I don’t GET it. Why are we having small talk? Do either of us care about the weather? Why do we have to do this complicated and frankly tiresome ‘dance’ of hi, how are you? fine and you? fine. how’s the job? got plans for the weekend? boy it’s hot out there, eh? Can’t we just cut to the point?

Some people LOVE it. And I’m happy for them. But I really don’t get it. At work, when people call me I avoid the small talk as much as possible.

*Phone Rings*
Me: Margarita speaking
Person: Hi Margarita, it’s so-and-soMe: Hi, so and so. What can I do for you today?

See? RIGHT TO THE POINT.

I like having detailed discussions with people. Today at work we were discussing some pain points we have and that was interesting. that was getting us somewhere. I want to know how people are working through their stuff and find out if we have the same issues. Or with my friends, I like to have conversations about our jobs, our goals, has anyone found a dark red lipstick that doesn’t feather or bleed yet. But the mingling…

I’m exhausted after a day of work talking to people. I often dread social functions where I know I will have to *shudder* ‘mingle’. Again, I can do it, and I think I’m good at it. But I don’t prefer it. Sometimes I feel like people think if I go out and do the small talk thing enough times, that eventually I’ll like it or ‘get over’ being introverted, but it’s not like it’s a skill I haven’t developed. I just… like to be alone.

 

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Face Palm [with a side helping of Social Anxiety]

So.

I used to get emailed when someone commented on my blog and I guess that’s not working or I turned it off or something. Anyway. I’m really sorry to the people who commented and only heard back from me today! Epic fail.

Side note – Social Anxiety. Ugh, I know it makes no sense but when I saw there were comments my first thought was, “OH! COMMENTS! YAY!” and then when I realized how old they were my second thought was “OH SHIT! OH NOES. NOW PEOPLE THINK I’M IGNORING THEM AND IT’S SO RUDE. Is it too late to reply back? But not replying back at all is even ruder! okay, it’s okay. It’s an honest mistake! but how did I miss this? oh shit. Okay, okay. WHAT DO I DO. Do I reply back? Do I do a mass post and say I saw them and I’m sorry? I’ll just reply back, and apologize. It’s fine. but SO LATE.” And then I imagined hiding in my bed for a while with the covers over my head. I couldn’t actually do that because, you know, JOB and GROCERIES and LAUNDRY and shit. But…. I thought about it. It’s time’s like this that I identify with Lola’s worried face:

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If you don’t have social anxiety, you’re probably frowning and wondering how/why a person can get so worked up over this. but if you DO have social anxiety, you’re nodding your head and also feeling a little sick in your own stomach because you’ve have had similar experiences and it’s. the. worst.

I’ve been working on my social anxiety for a long time. A LONG TIME. But it’s still there, and likely always will be. And it just… gets set off by stuff. It was set off yesterday by being at an appointment and it was SUPER busy and there were all these PEOPLE and I could just FEEL the anticipation and impatience of the waiters, and the receptionist was working hard but I felt like there was also waves of “I KNOW IT’S CRAZY BUSY JUST CHILLAX” coming off him, and all those things together with me being at a new place was just…  I almost left. But. Deep breaths. And an internal monologue of, “stay the hell put. you booked this appointment now WAIT. You’re fine. it’s fine. EVERYONE IS FINE,” kept me there. And it all worked out.

 

 

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Pcakes update

Portia is doing SO MUCH better! While she is still in liver failure [and we go to the vet next saturday to determine the extent of that] she is almost back to her normal self this week! Stealing food and counter surfing, she is 100% percent better

I won’t lie – the fact that it may be the beginning of the end has been on my mind this week. but she’s such a cutie and I’m just so glad she is enjoying food and life again. Food is a HUGE part of her life. when she was off her kibble, I feared the worst. She LOVES to eat. If she couldn’t eat? that would be a big dent in her happiness.

But! BACK TO OLD SELF!

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Portia – coming to the end?

I adopted Portia from the animal rescue foundation in December of 2003. We’ve been besties since although we’ve had our rough patches. As a rescue, she had health problems and pretty much had potty accidents until she was 6. As you can imagine given her size, this was no small issue. Pun intended. I know more about a host of dog maladies I never thought I would have to know. All to keep this cutie happy and healthy.

She’s a sweetheart. For all she looks fierce, she LOVES people. Way more than I do, that’s for sure.

She seemed under the weather this week so I took her to the vet. She ended up needing to stay two nights and so far, the early diagnosis is age onset liver disease. We’ll know more in two weeks when we go for follow up tests.

Here she is at the vet during one of my visits. You wish you looked this good when you’re in the hospital.


Like I said, she’s a sweetheart and I’m not sure how I’ll handle her going to that big kennel in the sky. Maybe we’re not there yet. But she IS 12, so if it isn’t now, it will be soon.

It may sound cheesy but she’s taught me a lot and I’ve grown as a person having her around! She’s definitely the better ‘person’ in our relationship. She wears her heart on her paw and gets what she wants!


So, I’ll be waiting to hear what her numbers tell the vet in two weeks but I can’t help but feel like all I want to do is stay at home and hang out with her now.

If you invite me somewhere and I say no, I want to hang with Portia, I’m serious. Unless you have somewhere to go that takes 70 lb dogs.

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Reading Classics – Jekyll and Hyde

I decided to read The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde the other day, and as I did, I felt sad that I was technically ‘spoiled’ for the book. I mean, is there anyone that isn’t? Jekyll and Hyde have become part of our lexicon, along with Dracula and Frankenstein and as I read it, I found myself kind of sad that I couldn’t experience it for the first time without knowing what the mystery was.

I tried to imagine what it would be like to read it when it was first published in 1886 but it was so hard to separate my knowledge of the basic story from my reading experience.

I still really enjoyed the book! I just wish that I could have read it without knowing the ‘big surprise.’

 

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Sorry, I can’t go out tonight. I’m in the middle of my werewolf cycle

Things I think about – what if lycanthropy wasn’t really tied to the full moon, but was instead like a cycle that people went through like how women get their period. So every 28 days. BAM. Werewolf. Full moon optional.

Would it be as annoying and awkward as getting your period is? Like… women usually talk to each other about it in code when they’re out in public. “Hey, when I stand up, can you check me, cause. you know.” And then your friend will nod sagely and checks you out to make sure you’re not having an accident. Also, haven’t we all had this conversation with a friend: “Hey, you got any stuff in your purse?” “Yeah, you need?” “Yeah. Bathroom in ten?” – no, it’s not a clandestine drug deal.

But, if I turned into a werewolf once a month, I would hope it would be way cooler. “Oh, I can’t go out tonight. It’s that time of the month. You know, wolf time.”

But then! If we ALL TURNED INTO WOLVES AT THE SAME TIME – WOLF PARTIES IN THE WOODS!

Or would it just end up being annoying after a few years? “GOD, WEREWOLF TIME AGAIN???!! I just got all the hair out of my shower drain from LAST TIME. Ugh. And dont’ even get me started on how many pairs of jeans I’ve ripped through. This is costing me a fortune.”

 

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