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Show me your teeth

You guys.

YOU GUYS.

Ugh. I have had a number of root canals over the years. I try to take care of my teeth, but this is just the way they are. I don’t remember how many i’ve actually had, but I just had another and it was the THIRD ONE where the freezing wouldn’t take all the way.  Jesus take the wheel.

I’m no tough girl when it comes to pain. If something hurts, I want it to stop. And tooth pain? *shudder* THE WORST. Any kind of nerve pain brings me to my knees.

All that to say, I’ve had a lot of therapy in my life due to my mental issues, and that shit comes in handy. I’m able to breathe, self-talk and work my way through stuff. And also, I don’t blame the dental personnel for the problem. They are tryign to help me, and don’t want to hurt me, but may have to in order to make me feel better. My options were:

1: Wait another half hour for the freezing. At that point, it had been two hours and I’m like, BRO (YOUNG BRO – so YOUNG!! omg, I’m older than all my dentists now), half an hour ain’t gonna help.

2: Send me home with more antibiotics and hope they help whatever is happening and I can come back and it will work. Oh, young dentist. Bless your heart. You don’t realize this is my third go-round with freezing that won’t work.

Option 3 – just go in, do the work and hope for the best.

At that point it had been two hours of trying to freeze me and about 8-12 needles to the mouth. I lost count. I saw no other option than 3 – let’s GET ‘ER DONE. I said, I don’t think this will get better. I think option 3 sucks, but we gotta do it. and then it will get better. (me internally crying.).

This dude was trying so hard to be positive, but he knew it woudl suck too. He tried to give me a pep talk before he started. He was like, “Okay, so we’re going to go in and hopefully this will be…..”

He trailed off and I could tell he was coming up blank, not sure how to reassure me for something he knew would hurt and be unpleasant.

“QUICK,” I blurted. “THE WORD YOU’RE LOOKING FOR IS QUICK.”

He  gave me a nervous smile and said, “Yes. I hope this will be quick.”

He was – they were all super nice to me and efficient and though it was hella unpleasant, they did good work.

I *think* I’m on the mend now. My lower jaw is pretty fucking unhappy with me and sore, but BETTER. I CAN THINK NOW. I CAN PROCESS INFORMATION.

For those of you that struggle with chronic pain – you are far stronger and tougher people than I am. I pray for and salute you.

 

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End of the Year Thoughts

It’s been interesting as 2016 comes to a close, the kinds of posts I’ve been seeing on social media. Most of them are of the kind, SEE YOU 2016 DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOUR ASS ON THE WAY OUT.

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I don’t particularly ‘get’ the new year. I mean, I get the idea of the calendar and keeping time, but there’s really no inherent difference between Dec 31 2016 and Jan 1 2017.

But I can definitely see the lure and appeal of STARTING FRESH – I loved school supply shopping as a kid and loved new binders and pens, pencil cases and erasers! so pristine in their newness and the way they had promise as yet untapped hidden inside them. [if you’re Canadian, you’ll recognize these pencil crayons!!]

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But, there’s also something to be said for an old favorite pen topper, or a busted up refillable pencil – well used and well loved, or maybe just the fact that it’s BEEN THERE.

I think a lot of people feel/felt let down by 2016, as if it were somehow the fault of the year, and as soon as that calendar flips, we will all be new people living in a new world. But I learned a long time ago that where ever I go, there I am. What I mean is, we will all be the same people in 2017, living in the same world, so if we want to see change, then we have to change ourselves. I have goals and resolutions like the next person – although cosmically, there’s no real shift in anything when January starts, I’m not immune to the promise of something NEW or DIFFERENT. What I hope is that my changes will be successful because I’m willing to change –  I’m putting new inputs into my system and expecting different outputs.

BE THE CHANGE WITH ME.

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I wish everyone the best in 2017, and hope that if 2016 was painful for you, you can rest easier now that it’s done.

 

 

 

 

Inky Thoughts

Inky thoughts – kind of like thinky thoughts but involving tattoos! I got a new one today!

Backstory – when I was nine, I fell up the stairs carrying glasses and scissors. This left me with quite a scar on my forearm. It’s very faded now since it’s OLD and while I’m sure most people don’t notice, I notice it. I notice it a lot. And when people do notice it, I feel like I have to explain what happened. I’m sure I don’t. I’m sure no one really cares. But… it makes me self-conscious and has for 30 years.

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In the above, you can just faintly see the scar, running down almost the middle of my forearm. it’s got a big middle and then long tails on either side. I’ve always thought about covering it with a tattoo. I have other tattoos but they are all in places covered daily by clothes. This would be my first visible tattoo. It took me a while to get to a place where I was like, YEAH, I CAN DO THIS. I feel like I have enough ‘cred’ now in my real life career and also that tattoos are so mainstream now that if I did need to find a new job, having a visible tattoo wouldn’t be an issue.

But, what to get?

I recently heard about Project Semicolon and when I did, it really resonated with me. You can click on the link if you’re interested in why but, suffice to say, the decision was made that some sort of a semi-colon tattoo would be the thing to cover up “THE SCAR.”

And today was the day! I drew up a quick little image a couple weeks back, booked an appointment at a tattoo shop with an artist recommended by a lady in my spin class that has awesome ink. I have another artist I’ve gone to twice before, but I feel like if you want your ink to have a diverse feel, you should try out new artists. I’m VERY HAPPY with the final product. (rotated so you can see the flower upright).

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The semicolon is kind of built into the flower, so the dot is the center and the comma part is the stem. I went with black-grey shading instead of color. I’m just really pleased with it. Since it’s black and grey and a little smaller than my last two tattoos, it was a very short appointment! Under an hour. I can hardly see the scar now! and I know INTIMATELY where it is. 😀

Defending my Introversion

I definitely identify as an introvert and while that term is becoming more well known it’s often confused with ‘shy.’ Sometimes I think I feel shy as well. But that could be the social anxiety. It’s hard to say.

So what do I mean when I say I’m an introvert? I mean that generally, I find being around people exhausting. I feel like I have to be ‘on’ and I’m always watching and interpreting what’s happening and analyzing the conversation and trying to figure out what comes next and who will talk next and what will I say in return. Sales clerks, collegues, peers, passer-bys on the train – it’s all an interaction with me and I have to ‘prep’ for it.

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I LOVE being at home, especially at the end of the day. It’s quiet. I talk to my sister or my mum. I text. I read. I write. I really need that recharging time. On the weekends, I’m VERY happy to stay in and do my own thing. as I always say, I love to hang out with me. We do all the things I like to do.

But sometimes when I tell people I’m an introvert, they’re surprised and I often hear, “But you don’t seem shy.” – well, again, it’s not the same thing. I’m not afraid to talk to people most of the time [although some days, HELLO ANXIETY]. At work, I just like to work with my spreadsheets and docs and do my thing. When I see a day of meetings…. sigh.

Honestly, I just don’t GET social interaction. I can do it, and I would say I’m pretty good at it; I can carry on conversations and make small talk but… I don’t GET it. Why are we having small talk? Do either of us care about the weather? Why do we have to do this complicated and frankly tiresome ‘dance’ of hi, how are you? fine and you? fine. how’s the job? got plans for the weekend? boy it’s hot out there, eh? Can’t we just cut to the point?

Some people LOVE it. And I’m happy for them. But I really don’t get it. At work, when people call me I avoid the small talk as much as possible.

*Phone Rings*
Me: Margarita speaking
Person: Hi Margarita, it’s so-and-soMe: Hi, so and so. What can I do for you today?

See? RIGHT TO THE POINT.

I like having detailed discussions with people. Today at work we were discussing some pain points we have and that was interesting. that was getting us somewhere. I want to know how people are working through their stuff and find out if we have the same issues. Or with my friends, I like to have conversations about our jobs, our goals, has anyone found a dark red lipstick that doesn’t feather or bleed yet. But the mingling…

I’m exhausted after a day of work talking to people. I often dread social functions where I know I will have to *shudder* ‘mingle’. Again, I can do it, and I think I’m good at it. But I don’t prefer it. Sometimes I feel like people think if I go out and do the small talk thing enough times, that eventually I’ll like it or ‘get over’ being introverted, but it’s not like it’s a skill I haven’t developed. I just… like to be alone.

 

Face Palm [with a side helping of Social Anxiety]

So.

I used to get emailed when someone commented on my blog and I guess that’s not working or I turned it off or something. Anyway. I’m really sorry to the people who commented and only heard back from me today! Epic fail.

Side note – Social Anxiety. Ugh, I know it makes no sense but when I saw there were comments my first thought was, “OH! COMMENTS! YAY!” and then when I realized how old they were my second thought was “OH SHIT! OH NOES. NOW PEOPLE THINK I’M IGNORING THEM AND IT’S SO RUDE. Is it too late to reply back? But not replying back at all is even ruder! okay, it’s okay. It’s an honest mistake! but how did I miss this? oh shit. Okay, okay. WHAT DO I DO. Do I reply back? Do I do a mass post and say I saw them and I’m sorry? I’ll just reply back, and apologize. It’s fine. but SO LATE.” And then I imagined hiding in my bed for a while with the covers over my head. I couldn’t actually do that because, you know, JOB and GROCERIES and LAUNDRY and shit. But…. I thought about it. It’s time’s like this that I identify with Lola’s worried face:

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If you don’t have social anxiety, you’re probably frowning and wondering how/why a person can get so worked up over this. but if you DO have social anxiety, you’re nodding your head and also feeling a little sick in your own stomach because you’ve have had similar experiences and it’s. the. worst.

I’ve been working on my social anxiety for a long time. A LONG TIME. But it’s still there, and likely always will be. And it just… gets set off by stuff. It was set off yesterday by being at an appointment and it was SUPER busy and there were all these PEOPLE and I could just FEEL the anticipation and impatience of the waiters, and the receptionist was working hard but I felt like there was also waves of “I KNOW IT’S CRAZY BUSY JUST CHILLAX” coming off him, and all those things together with me being at a new place was just…  I almost left. But. Deep breaths. And an internal monologue of, “stay the hell put. you booked this appointment now WAIT. You’re fine. it’s fine. EVERYONE IS FINE,” kept me there. And it all worked out.

 

 

Sorry, I can’t go out tonight. I’m in the middle of my werewolf cycle

Things I think about – what if lycanthropy wasn’t really tied to the full moon, but was instead like a cycle that people went through like how women get their period. So every 28 days. BAM. Werewolf. Full moon optional.

Would it be as annoying and awkward as getting your period is? Like… women usually talk to each other about it in code when they’re out in public. “Hey, when I stand up, can you check me, cause. you know.” And then your friend will nod sagely and checks you out to make sure you’re not having an accident. Also, haven’t we all had this conversation with a friend: “Hey, you got any stuff in your purse?” “Yeah, you need?” “Yeah. Bathroom in ten?” – no, it’s not a clandestine drug deal.

But, if I turned into a werewolf once a month, I would hope it would be way cooler. “Oh, I can’t go out tonight. It’s that time of the month. You know, wolf time.”

But then! If we ALL TURNED INTO WOLVES AT THE SAME TIME – WOLF PARTIES IN THE WOODS!

Or would it just end up being annoying after a few years? “GOD, WEREWOLF TIME AGAIN???!! I just got all the hair out of my shower drain from LAST TIME. Ugh. And dont’ even get me started on how many pairs of jeans I’ve ripped through. This is costing me a fortune.”

 

Because you can’t have two betta fish

Betta fish are those colorful, swirly, VICIOUS BASTARDS that will fight each other to the death.

Look at that glorious bastard

Look at that glorious bastard

Often as I’m working, I will think about cloning myself [I SWEAR TO GOD I am going somewhere with this – bear with me]- I’m the type of person that likes to be busy, I like to solve problems, I like to help and I hate to tell people I can’t do something. This often means that no matter what I job I do, I end up doing several related tasks that aren’t actually my job, but that I end up being really good at or that no one figured out yet.

But, it makes me CRAZY BUSY sometimes and things get dropped.

So, ergo my cloning thoughts. If I could clone me, problem solved!

But I ended up realizing that if there WERE Two Margarita’s, we’d end up fighting. Like Betta fish – each one wanting to be top dog! Butting our noses against the glass trying to get at one another in a fight to the DEATH.

Or rather, each one wanting to sleep in and snuggle the puppies while the other schlepp went off to work. [No, you’re going in today. I’m staying home. NO, YOU’RE GOING IN TODAY.]

And then we’d both feel guilty and end up both going in and resent one another while each believing it’s the other one’s turn to make coffee and who is also responsible for not putting the good eye shadow brush back in the right spot.

Plus, I’d be really uncomfortable around other!Me. She would know all my secrets. And she’d be as secretly mean as I am.

So, I guess it’s best that Margarita’s are like Betta Fish – better in singles than in pairs.

 

Cake or Death? Being all out of cake

If you’re an Eddie Izzard fan, you know what I mean when I say Cake or Death

WELL, WE’RE ALL OUT OF CAKE.

I’ve got death on the mind lately. Which normally for me usually means something morbid and creepy is churning up in my brain for my fictional writing, but this time, I really just mean death. Like everyday-ironically-a-big-part-of-life death.

Things No One Told Me About Death

1. When you’ve been touched by Death [i.e. when someone close to you dies] other people are uncomfortable around you. I think it’s because they want to say something to make it better and there’s nothing to make it better. But also because it makes them realize Death can touch them too and that’s something we don’t like to think about it. and then you feel weird, because they feel weird. It’s a big cloud of weirdness around you.

2.It’s mostly a tragedy only to you. Most people’s lives go on the next day or the next week or the next month. But you’re kind of stuck dealing with it for a lot longer. You stare at things trying to figure out how it’s all working when you’re not.

3. People still get awkward when you talk about the dead person. In my case, I felt like people were awkward or uncomfortable when I talked about my dad for about a six months after he died. Like, just because he died he didn’t become less a part of my life, you know? But it was like when I would say something like, “Well, my dad used to say…” or “Yeah, my dad owned a restaurant for a lot of years…” or “Dad liked getting lotto tickets and socks for presents….” people would almost pause, like a deer in the headlights. I think it’s because they were having an internal monologue of “OH SHIT, SHE’S TALKING ABOUT HER DEAD DAD. DO I SAY I’M SORRY AGAIN? DO I ASK HER HOW SHE IS? DO I EVEN MENTION THAT I KNOW HE’S DEAD?” – I felt like they really wanted to say something nice or helpful and they just weren’t sure if they should and that made them feel weird.

4. Minutiae is eternal. The phone still rings and the car needs gas and you get a salad dressing stain on your favorite shirt and how can this all be happening when you have experienced this kind of a loss? When Donna’s mum died, I was the awkward one. She was talking to me on the phone and I remember thinking, “How can she just be TALKING to me right after her mum died?” and then 8 months later, my dad died and I told her about that moment and how now, I got it. You just go on and there’s stuff to do. She nodded and said, “Yeah. There is.” But I didn’t get it until that moment.

5. For something you think about a lot, it can still surprise you. Once, about two years after my dad died, I was at the office working. I can’t remember exactly what happened but Chantal and I had just come back from a break or lunch or something and Jessi said, “Oh, you’re dad called for you.” and I was like “Oh really? I wonder what he – what a minute, my dad is dead.” and I realized that Jessi was talking to Chantal. But for that moment, I forgot. I also have seen a man once or twice that looks like my dad and again, for that moment, I’m like “HEY DAD!!!” and then I realize it can’t be him.

6. Okay, I don’t know if this happens to everyone, but my mum and I had “OH SHIT HE WASN’T REALLY DEAD” dreams. Mum would realize in her dream that dad wasn’t really dead and DAMMIT how would she explain that she sold his car? Maybe because of the stuff I read and write, mine were a bit more graphic. I would full on dream we made a mistake and buried him alive and now we had to go dig him up and JESUS how did we FUCK THAT UP SO BADLY. And it would be a dream that I would have several times, with several variations and in the dream, I’d remember the other times it had happened and I’d just feel SICK and wonder how we kept getting this so horrifically wrong.

I’m sure there are other things that I didn’t know about Death. I’m sure I’ll find out more [unfortunately], but those are the things that have been on my mind lately.

My Brain is Open!

I like to learn new things. I like the process of figuring stuff out and I like the ego boost it gives me to know something I didn’t know before. I also like how learning new things reminds me that I’m not always good at stuff. When you’re learning something, it’s can be hard! As an adult, we tend to do things that we’re good at and not try stuff we aren’t. At the same time, we push the kids in our lives to try stuff out and let them know it’s okay to fail.

So why don’t we follow our own advice?

But, I find as an adult, it’s REALLY HARD to find classes. Sure, there are beginner classes for stuff. Learn to Swim. Learn to Skate.  Learn to Paint. And yes, there is of course the requisite number of classes for things that are ‘in vogue’ – Yoga, Pilates, Insert-New-Thing-of-the-Week-Here.

But it’s HARD to find CONTINUING classes. Yes, I know I can go to my university for continuing ed, but what if I just want to take one physics class? I don’t want to pursue a degree, I just want to learn more about WIMPs and MACHOS. And the Discovery Channel only whets my appetite.

My cello teacher is rare in that she continually takes on adult students. A lot of cello teachers won’t – they want to cultivate prodigies and ‘grow’ a musician. I love my cello lessons.

But now, I’d like to learn how to inline skate better. There’s a 2 hr learn to skate class but I know HOW to skate. I just want to do it better. I want to show up weekly and have someone point out what I’m doing wrong. While I was looking for classes I was just really disappointed in the offerings in my area for adults. I specifically stated I wanted Adult classes and 95% of the results I got from programs was “Parent and Tot” things. I have no tot. I will never have a Tot. And even if I did, does that immediately mean I can’t want to learn for myself and am only there to be a lifesize plaything for my tot to learn? I somehow doubt in the Parent and Tot learn to swim that the parent is doing any learning about themselves.

But this got me thinking – if we say as a society that we value education, but then mostly stop education after University, do we really value learning? or do we just value learning “enough to get by”?

The Importance of Being Miss Piggy

Miss Piggy is my hero.

I feel like I need more of her in my life. Here’s a role model who knows what she wants, isn’t afraid to go get it, and won’t let anyone stand in her way. and she does it all by looking fabulous. Look at her!

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She’s always well-dressed – looking her finest, BECAUSE SHE DESERVES NO LESS

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She doesn’t take crap from ANYONE. she KARATE CHOPS those that dare to fight her.

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She’s not afraid to try new looks or wear different things.

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I feel like, as a woman, I should try to be more like Miss Piggy. She just… gets shit done. My only complaint is that she pined for Kermit for so long. DUDE CLEARLY HAD COMMITMENT ISSUES, PIGGY. If he wasn’t ready to own up to how fabulous you are/were, you should have dropped his green little ass and moved on.

Sure, they got married in the end, but she put up with a lot of shit from him. He was kind of wishy washy for a long time about her.

But other than that, Miss Piggy is totally my hero and I want to be more like her.