As advertised, I’m not even sure what to say. It’s been well over a year, nearly two, since I last posted on this blog and I wish I had ground breaking news or something earth shattering to report, but I don’t.
As I’ve posted about before, I struggle with depression and anxiety and it’s been a long slog. If I look back, I can sort of pinpoint the end of 2015 where things started to take a slide down the well and since then it’s just been about riding that slide. If you suffer from (or have suffered from) depression or anxiety in the past, you know what I mean. If you haven’t, then I really hope you never do.
I get anxious talking about it in a public forum, like the interwebs, or even in any public space as I’m well aware I may not ‘look depressed.’ And also, there’s still a lot of stigma associated with mental illnesses. I try to speak up when I’m able because I think it’s important to be the change you want to see in the world.
There was a tweet I saw on tumblr that accurately summed up 2015-till about now.
And wow. That was me (and apparently a lot of people based on the likes and retweets).
I don’t know how to explain if you haven’t been there what it’s like to have that be your life – going to work and doing well and then coming home and just… existing until it’s tomorrow and do it all over again. I dreaded people asking me what I did the night before or on the weekend. You can’t answser it honestly. Not to the general public. like Hyperbole and a half once alluded to in a post, it would then put you in the awkward position of having to comfort someone else about your feelings.
So, that was me for a long, long 5 years. In April of 2018, I started seeing a new doctor and we cycled through some medication and if you’ve ever done that, you know it’s a gross slog of trying stuff out and waiting to see if it helps all while you ask yourself “Okay I’m still miserable, but am I less miserable than I was before? Or is this the same amount of miserableness?”
And then last January, I found myself a therapist again to talk through some of my ~issues. I ended up BACK on the same meds I was on before, but this time they seemed to be working and things started looking up. But I was still struggling with writing and I said to my therapist, I just don’t know why that is. She mentioned something like that getting better isn’t just a switch you flip. I was doing not-great and now I’m doing better and so all the stuff that I can do when I am better should suddenly just come back.
And I get that. I do. But it’s still kind of shitty because I had just foolishly assumed that PRESTO CHANGE-O HERE WOULD BE MY WRITING MOJO AND ALL WOULD BE WELL. it would be two thousand words a day and they would all be glorious and not need editing.
Um. No.
I’ve spent so long not writing that I’ve romanticized how it is for me. It is work and not usually easy, but it’s something I enjoy.
So I’ve started back up. I’m going to do a separate post on where exactly book 6 is sitting but I am back at it, and I plan to finish it. If you are looking for more details on that, I’ll have a post up soon.
I thank anyone and everyone that messaged me or left a comment, even if I didn’t (couldn’t) answer. Your interest in my writing means a lot to me. Sometimes my anxiety gets bad and I struggle with even answering a comment, so for all the times a Thank You has gone unsaid, Thank you.
