Mouse-trap Mummy!

Ahhhhh, my dog Portia. She’s super cute, always soft and warm, and sleeps curled up in a cute little ball. . .

She also is a counter-surfer. Our kitchen counter at home has an imaginary line I call the Portia-Line. Behind this line, your items are safe, on the wrong side of this line (The Portia Zone), kiss your stuff goodbye!!

After it became impossible to leave anything on the counter I had a serious discussion with my local vet (you can go to your local vet and get a behavioural consultation if you like). She told me to put a mouse trap on the counter.

I nodded politely and agreed that would most likely do the trick but in my head I thought “My Baby!! Snapped by a mouse trap!! I can’t do it! She could get hurt!!”

So the counter surfing continued. And then I went to visit Larry at the The Pet Stop and he also told me to put mouse traps on the counter. He said that in 25 years of dog training he’s never heard of a dog that actually got caught. They just get the fur scared right off them.

So I was ready to listen. The trick is to set it up when Portia is not around. That way when it goes off it has NOTHING to do with mummy, it’s a horrendous consequence of counter surfing. So I bought some mousetraps at my local Home Depot and set one up on the counter (this was right after the incident where she ate an entire tub of margarine and sour cream!). I started making myself my peanut butter on english muffin and waited. Sure enough, Portia saddled up to the counter and tried to get the peanut butter knife I left in the Portia Zone. I heard a snap! A yip! and she skedaddled outta there like wildfire! And promptly hid behind the piano!

She hasn’t been much of a counter surfer since.

But yesterday I came home and found my Scarlett Pimpernel VHS tapes DESTROYED (Yes Mark and Heidi, it’s sad but TRUE). Little fiend has found a new hobby. This is right on the heels of her destroying several VHS tape cases. And this morning I came downstairs and found another tape ruined (completly. You can barely tell it used to be a VHS tape) So I got out my trusty mouse trap and set it up while she was outside frolicking in blissful ingnorance. I put it right on top of my copy of The Matrix Reloaded. I let the puppies in, grabbed a magazine and waitied.

10 minutes later . . . SNAP!! YIP!! She is currently hiding out under the covers in my bed. But I think my VHS tapes are safe!!

And before you go all PETA on me, I might remind you that I contacted my vet and a competent dog trainer for this advice and they both told me it is SAFE, that she WOULDN’T GET HURT, and was a HUMANE training option. It’s the sound and the surprise that are the deterrent. If you think this could be an option for you, discuss it with your local vet. I also add that Portia is a large (50lb) dog, and her nose and paws are too big to get caught in the mouse trap. If you have a smaller dog I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you contact your vet first.

Ladies, we have a winner!

So those of you who know me, know I love my makeup! Donna can attest to my tackle box full of cosmetics kept close to me at all times. Although, those who see me on a regular basis may question my use of it (okay – so I don’t look like a movie star despite my obscene amount of makeup. What can I say? I have alot, I just don’t wear it all at the same time!)

But I digress . . .

For as long as I can remember, I have been searching for that perfect mascara. The one that lived up to all the advertising. I’ve tried TONS! I’ve spent anywhere from $30.00 a tube to bargain discounts. And yes, I’ve tried Maybelline Great Lash. I don’ t care who else loves it, it wasn’t for me.

But yesterday I found the one!! Almay Triple Effect mascara! I put it on today and right from the get go, I was happy. There was no gloopy ‘plock’ sound when I pulled the wand out of the tube and I didn’t have to scrape off 90% of what was on the brush just so I could see the bristles. It has a cute little brush with one short side and one long side. It went on like a dream and only had very minimal smudging as the day went on, which for me, was a miracle! Usually, no matter how much the product says it won’t smudge, I look like a psychotic racoon by the end of the day. I’ve tried waterproof, smudgeproof, really expensive department store makeup, and they all smudged more than this. When you feel my lashes you can tell I’m wearing mascara, but it didn’t pull off. And I didn’t get big hunks of glop on my lashes that I then had to fix with a Q-tip.

This one’s a keeper!!

My Desert Island List:
1. Almay Triple Effect Mascara
2. Lise Watier Foundation (another drugstore find!!)
3. LipSmackers – I’m an addict! and I’m turning everyone I know into one too (That’s for you, Donna!) Available in tons of flaves. Currently in my pocket: Berries and Cream
4. Mac Eyeshadow
5. Burberry London Perfume
6. Bean Stock Soap

Snorefest 2006

So I generally stay away from award shows as a rule. BORING. But I decided to give the Oscars a try again last night.

That’s an entire evening of my life I’m never getting back.

Other than the fashion, who cares? It’s pretty much a given if you made a “raw” or “gritty” movie based on a real life character that you will take home an Oscar. Similarly, if you made a “racially charged”, “complex”, or “gut wrenching” movie. Here is your no fail Oscar formula:

You’re a stunningly beautiful woman who hags it up in a ‘gripping’ social drama
You’re a stunning beautiful woman who dolls it up in a biography
You’re a clearly heterosexual man who plays a gay man
You’re an unattractive man playing a haunted man with deep demons
You affect a killer accent
You play a quirky character with many ticks
You make the most boring thinky thinky movie alive with an all star cast.

So Phillip Seymour Hoffman played a guy with a weird voice and a bad haircut. Elijah Wood made me BELIEVE he was a three foot hobbit named Frodo!!
So Southern Belle Reese Witherspoone played Southern Belle June Carter Cash. Have you seen Parker Posey in ‘House of Yes’?

It’s all about whether or not ‘The Academy’ (insert deep radio annoucer voice here) thinks you’re movie ‘has a message’. Not about whether or not it’s entertaining. Or a rocking good time.

So for now, I will stick to that other movie award show, The MTV Movie Awarads. You know, the one that’s actually fun to watch? It has WAY better categories! Like Best Kiss, Best Action Scene, Best Fight, Best On Screen Duo! Stuff that the public obviously cares about (as you can tell from box office receipts). And not stuff that NO ONE has seen other than some old guys in the back of the Kodak Theater.

It’s a rich man’s world!

Do you lie awake at night thinking about money? Do you wait for your next paycheque only to get it, cash it and then start thinking about the next one? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hard up for cash, my credit cards aren’t maxed out and I do actually contribute regularly to my RRSP. But when it’s late at night and dark outside, I’ve got money on the brain.

Like I said, I’m not broke. But I’m always thinky-thinky about the $$ factor. Mostly because I want to buy buy buy! But I don’t let let let myself. So what’s on the Wish list, you ask? Totally non-essential items that I don’t need but none the less dream about!!

1. A 12*12 linen album for my scrapbooking (actually – I’ll need a few now)
2. Griffin iTrip Auto FM Transmitter and Auto Charger for iPod

3. New lipgloss (I’m SUCH an addict!) – but in my defense I recently finished three of my faves.
4. New perfume – I’ve already got it picked out too.
5. Shoes – sigh, shoes. I dream of pretty shoes with bows and sparkles on them.
6. Socks – where do they go? Why is it you put an even number of socks in the washer but get an odd number out. They tell you about the boogey man when you are a child, but NO ONE tells you about the Sock Eating monster. And it’s a lot scarier than the boogeyman!
7. A new winter jacket – The zipper is trashed on both of my coats, and I took the buttons of my long coat years (!) ago to replace them. I’m getting around to it, really. I’m wearing Jengie’s coat right now.
8. A new purse. Yes, I know, I have many, but I am bored with them and want a new one. Plus I spilled something on my current one. I’m not sure what it was. Looks like it was prolly coffee.
9. Music – I’m always trolling iTunes or HMV for something to catch my fancy.


So that’s the short version. But I’ve already committed my next paycheque to paying down Mastercard (why do those evil minions keep raising my limit? Bad Mastercard, Bad!). Sniff. So no shopping sprees for Gita in the near future.


Okay – maybe just one new lipgloss. C’mon, they are totally cheap!!

Celebrity or High Profile Whack-job??

I just found out that Matthew McConaughey doesn’t wear deodorant. WTF? I already knew that Tom Cruise was certifiably nutty (honestly – he was SOOOOOO much better when he kept his mouth shut). Mariah Carey has a bi-annual breakdown, Lindsy Lohan has one weekly, and Paris Hilton is famous for. . . what a minute, what exaclty is Paris Hilton famous for?

In light of all this I’m forced to ask myself, what comes first? Are you an A-1 class nutcase who dreams of acting and having alot of money, or do you start of relatively normal with borderline psychotic problems (like the rest of us) and then you get drunk with the power!! The fame!! The money!! The fact that no one tells you no!!

Seriously, don’t these people have family or a best friend to pull them aside and slap them across the face and tell them to snap out of it? If I ever started acting kooky (okay – more kooky, I’m pretty squirelly as it is, hence the name of my blog) my best friend would sit me down, tilt her head sympathetically, look me straight in the eyes and tell me “Margarita, you’re fraking crazy! Wake up and smell the medication cart!!”

And if I didn’t listen to her, she would lock me in my house until I agreed to get serious help. But these celebrites!! I don’t get it! If this were the REAL WORLD you would be fired, you would find it impossible to get a good job with your tendanceis to throw Diva Hissy fits and scream at the top of your lungs that you are just suffering from exhaustion. Normal people don’t get hospitalized for exhaustion. We wake up the next day and go to work no matter how exhausted we are because the alternative is stay in bed, piss and moan about it and then default on our mortgages. Not pleasant. And what are celebrites exhausted from?? Sounds like a cake walk to me. Do a little schmoozing, show up at some parties, someone does your hair for you, shops for you cooks for you, dresses you, it’s like being 5 yrs old all over again only you have GADS of money!! The rest of us are working our *&&@# off trying to stay ahead of the tax man and Visa and make sure there is enough kibble in the pantry to feed the dog. Exhaustion!! I scoff at thee!! I have no time to be tired, no time to be sick! I say we fire all our current celebrities (keeping a select few because frankly they are too good looking to sack) and get new celebrities. I’ll hold auditions for new celebrities and the only requirement is you have to pass a psych exam. The following will not be accepted:

• Narcissism
• Pessimism
• Martyrdom
• Egocentrics
• Religious Cult Leaders
• Delusions of Grandeur
• Paranoia
• Crack addicts
• Mean people

Good idea, no?

It’s just a number!

So I keep telling myself. I turned the big 3-oh this year and felt the need to panic. I tried to do a reflection on my entire life to see where it’s been, where it’s going but then I had to finish my laundry and run the dishwasher. Do you ever feel like your life is getting in the way of life? And while we’re on the subject of numbers, let’s do a little math . . . .

Hours of sleep required a night by me – 8 (I know there are people who can get by on less but I’m not one of them – so shut it)
Hours spent commuting per day – 1.75
Hours spent a work – 7.5
Hours spent actually working – 0 (Kidding!! I work my #$% off!)
Hours spent in the shower, dressing and doing my hair and makeup – 0.5 (True story!!)
Hours spent making/drinking coffee – 0.5
Hours spent in bed cursing the alarm and pretending I don’t hear dog whining – 0.75
Hours spent eating – 0.5 (Seriously, I eat as fast as I can so I can either get to work, get back to work or drink more coffee)

So that leaves 4.5 hrs a day (theoretically) to do everything else. Which seems like it should be enough but lately. . . sigh.

So back to turning 30, why do I compare myself to everyone else my age and feel like the imaginary stick is coming up short? I have a job, I pay my taxes, shovel my driveway. So why do I feel behind? Unlike the communists, I do not have a 5 year plan. I’m lucky if I can find two matching socks in the morning. What’s with all the uber-young people achieving their entire life by 20 these days?? Everytime I turn around some young upstart has turned him/herself into a millionaire or invented the next huge dotcom or saved the world. Where’s it gonna end? Are you washed up if you haven’t split the atom with your bare hands by the time your 24? Who knows? All I know is I gotta do laundry right now if I want two socks that match tomorrow.