You are what you eat! aka: I’m a bad mummy

So, Porita and Rocky graduated sometime ago from sleeping in their luxury sized kennels to sleeping anywhere they want to in the house. Rocky will only sleep in Jenge’s bed, and apparently, sleeps like the dead. Which if you know him, is quite funny since we can’t get him to slow down or shut up for the other 18 hrs of the day.

Portia, free spirit that she is, prefers to roam the house. I leave my door open so she can come and go as she pleases. Sometimes she pops up onto my bed, generally choosing to sleep dead center of the mattress. I swear, she must have a little, itty-bitty doggie measuring tape that lets her know where the exact center is. But I digress. . .

On a walk, Portia has been known to pick up whatever tickles her fancy and eat it. Other than totally grossing me out, this generally is not a problem. However, over the last couple of weeks I have learned a few things:
1. Peach pits will not go out the back end. They must come back out the way they went in.
2. Ditto for Starbucks straws.
3. Ditto for plastic wrap.
4. Ditto for large pieces of wood.
5. Ditto for tupperwear
6. Ditto for whatever it was I cleaned up Sunday morning – I didn’t want to look that close!! EW!

What makes me a bad mother is that I’m too squeamish to reach into her jaws and yank it out while she’s chewing on it. I mean, I don’t know where that has been! Yuck! What makes me a worse mother is that I, like Rocky, sleep like the dead. I wake up like the dead too. Zoned out, cranky and hungry. The last two times I heard her getting sick in the night beside my bed I was like, “Noooooooooooooooo. Sigh. I’ll get it tomorrow.” Roll over, snort, fall back asleep. Oxy Clean is my new best friend. It really does work like in the commercials. I have found little Portia presents all over the house.

Honestly, sometimes I think she’s got no brains! As for stuff that has made it out the other side:
1. Tub of margarine and tub of sour cream, simultaneously consumed.
2. Package of Tim Horton’s butter
3. Package of ketchup from fast food restaurant
4. Pieces of blanket
5. Pieces of rubber bone
6. Dog hair (we groomed Rocky and she ran off and ate all the fur we freed from him)
7. Rubber band (this one is a personal favourite of Portia’s)
8. Pieces of shoes
9. Scented Candles
10. Puzzle pieces (as I found out after assembling a 748 piece puzzle. Dammit! Two pieces short! Four pieces in the puzzle were already mangled by slobber and teeth)
11. Yarn/String/thread – Go ask Jenge how this was extracted. She took the prize for Mummy of the year that day. Too bad she’s scarred for life!

Stuff I have snatched from the ‘Jaws of Death’:
1. Razor
2. Nail clippers
3. Knives (she loves the handles)
4. The rest of the shoes
5. Spoons
6. Remote control
7. Books

You would think that I leave stuff out, but I don’t. I swear, she has a hidden opposable thumb and that’s how she gets all this stuff!

But I love her. Sniff. She’s pretty darn cute!


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