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The Problem is, I’m not Winston Churchill

So, in an effort to be more open and honest about my struggle with mental illness, I try to give myself pep talks. I’m like, hey, Winston Churchill had depression. His reference to the ‘black dog’ of depression that haunted him is well known. Then we have a number of well known artists that struggled with mental illness. Today, there are a lot of celebrities that speak about it as well, owning their mental illnesses.

The problem is, I’m not Winston Churchill. I didn’t save the free world from tyranny. I’m also not a well known and prolific artist, whose works are known throughout the first world (and making a gagillion dollars). I don’t have a hit record, a blockbuster movie or a pithy, New York Times Best Selling book about myself and my illness.

I’m just… me. I have a full time job. I get to work on time. I try to make it to the gym. I write books in my spare time and self publish them. I have good friends. There’s a screw loose (no pun intended) in my car on the driver’s side and I think it’s the reason the right side speakers don’t work. I could get it fixed, but it’s $250 just to have the dealership take it apart and LOOK AT IT. And so… I can live with it being broken.  I spilled hummus on my shirt the other day and had to keep on working with a big ol’ hummus oil stain on my shirt. I pay my bills and I try to be good to my friends and family.

So, what do you do if you struggle with depression and you’re not a celebrity or posthumously recounting how you dealt with your troubles while being simultaneously instrumental in saving the free world?

It’s like… it’s allowable to have a mental illness if you’re famous or a celebrity or a creative FORCE OF NATURE. You can be JK Rowling, AFTER Harry Potter is a HUGE hit and tell the world that you struggled with mental illness. (FYI, for the record, JK is the QUEEN OF TWITTER FOR EVER]

You can do all that AFTER you’re already a success. Then it’s just an added complexity and heart-wrenching fact about who you are.  LOOK WHAT YOU ACCOMPLISHED WHILE YOU WERE STRUGGLING. *pats you on back*  A ROUND OF CHAMPAGNE FOR THE PERSON WHO DID ALL THIS GREAT STUFF WITH MENTAL ILLNESS.

But what if you’re just YOU? What if your biggest accomplishment is making it to your job every day on time? Or making it to the gym ONCE A WEEK, ONCE A MONTH, OR EVER? Or heck, making it TO THE SHOWER once a day, once a week or once a month? Then it’s a different ball game, my friend. Those other depressed, mentally ill people, they are in the BIG LEAGUES. They had their struggles and WOW LOOK AT THEM NOW.

What about everyone else that struggled and DIDN’T write a best selling book or save the free world? What if you’re only managing to keep yourself alive and pay your bills?

I feel like no one wants to hear that. It’s not romantic enough. It’s not dramatic enough. It’s not enough that you made it through the day without actively OR PASSIVELY killing yourself. You’re still on the farm team and no one gives a shit about how hard you struggle.

If you feel like you’re in that category – the farm team – I see you. I KNOW YOU’RE THERE. You’re working hard and it sucks and it’s shitty. But your struggle is real and if I had a lottery to make you the winner of, I would. You’re doing it. You’re still here.

 

#farmteamunite, #depressionfarmteam #iplayyourgameanddon’twinbutsurvive

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